'Mobile Threats Worldwide' by Molly Lanzarotta

“This hour of classical music has been brought to you by Always On Mobile Security, protecting you from mobile threats worldwide.”
 
She enters the office, yanking a roller bag, trailing the tension of the airport terminal. The man behind the counter smiles.
 
“Yeah, your ad, I want to find out exactly how this works.”
 
 “We protect you from mobile threats worldwide,” he says.
 
“That’s what I heard.”
 
“That’s what we do.”
 
Her expression changes. “Oh god—you’re a Virtual Vendor. OK, I’ll try to keep this simple.”
 
“I am programed to understand,” he says.
 
“Right—so what does it mean, exactly. Protecting me from mobile threats worldwide?”
 
“Always On protects you from viruses, from malware, spyware, adware, from threats to your reputation, from spear-phishing—"
 
“I don’t care about all that. You know, there are other ‘mobile threats.’”
 
“I think Always On addresses everything.”
 
“Well, how about when I’m mobile. Like—I didn’t feel safe traveling here.”
 
The Virtual Vendor blinks.
 
“Or—what if I wanted to go hiking. Just by myself?”
 
“We have an enhanced Advanced Premier Advantage Global Positioning System that would—"
 
“No. I’m not worried about direction. You said protection. I never feel safe, never. You don’t even appreciate how mobile you can be.”
 
“My operating system provides for a maximum—"
 
“No, I mean—why are you Virtual Vendors always men, anyhow?”
 
“We are meant to represent protection.”
 
“So, your looking like a man is supposed to make me feel safe?”
 
“Yes.”
 
“Ha. My god. Look, what about hardware, say, a mobile phone that doubles as a mace canister?”
 
“We don’t have that.”
 
“I have to go. And face my mobile threats, face them on my own, as usual.”
 
She exits. The Virtual Vendor sits unmoving as the lights dim until the next customer enters.