'A Pleasant Countryside Walk' by Lucienne Cummings

Circular – 4 miles, approx 1.5 hours

Difficulty: medium (depending on number of bears)

1. Put on your Hazmat suit and heavy-duty boots before exiting your vehicle. Leave the former Green Man Inn car park (now a radioactive pond) and turn right onto the footpath. Wade to the first signpost. Follow all signs to Hangman’s Hill
2. Skirting the edge of the Once Was Forest, follow the path along Dead Salmon River, to the remains of the medieval stone bridge. If you’re lucky here, you may spot one of the last kingfishers, zooming up the river to find its favourite prey – other kingfishers. Ravenous bears have also been spotted in this area, but there have been no hiker-reported incidents at time of writing.
3. Besting the giant woodlice (more likely at dawn or dusk), swing left at the first row of burnt-out cottages, around the edge of the green lake. As the path begins to climb, about halfway up, you will find a great viewpoint to enjoy the reflection of the drowned spire of St Cuthbert’s Church (in winter), or the nearest wildfires (spring/summer).
4.  Hike to the summit of Hangman’s Hill. This lovely picnic area affords not only panoramas of the beautiful local countryside, but also offers a tactical advantage in the event of localised combat.
5. As you descend the hill back towards the Green Man, look out for buzzard and other raptors, which may view you as a packed lunch. If your car is still where you left it, thank #deity that you were one of the lucky survivors, and pray that World War IV does not come to pass. Please remember to close all gates behind you, and to take all your rubbish home.