Decide on Surfboard Design and Size by Emily Madonald

1. Dunger, mini mal, fish, gun, long or short.

One day, you tell me, you’ll have a quiver of surf boards for all conditions, all size

and speed of wave. You’re pleased with the word ‘quiver’ and you’ve imagined the

rack, built into the wide-decked house in the dunes from where you’ll watch sets

forming and listen to the weather reports.

Pin, or swallow tail. Squash, round or square. Your decision, you say is the spice, the

nuanced, enhancing touch.

2. Buy a block foam surfboard blank.

Take it home and ponder the shape. Practice some moves while I’m trying to read.

Jump to squat from lying down, sail your arms and dip your head like you’re being

tubed.

3. Make a stringer for strength and flex. Glue it between the two halves of blank.

Work on building your upper body strength. Don’t think I don’t notice you planking

over me.

4. Remove excess foam from the blank and cut out the rough shape.

Eat protein and slow-release carbs. Practice holding your breath while counting real,

real slow. Sometimes while holding in smoke from a toke. Sometimes while waiting

for your turn to speak.

5. Shape the blank with sandpaper and other tools.

Go barefoot. Don’t wash your hair. Let it grow curly and long. Let it bleach in the salt

and sun. Flick.

See, it doesn’t smell, you say when you stick your hair in my face.

6. Add your artwork design.

Ying and Yang, stripes, cheques and hibiscus flowers. Palm trees, tikis and suns.

It’s not really personalised, I say. You’re just signalling the tribe you belong to.

7. Fiberglass lamination. Hot-coat, sand, hot-coat, gloss. Sand. Gloss. Polish.

Head to the beach at the merest hint of a wave. Never look back.