'The Endangered Species Quarterly (Special Edition, Spring 2025)' by Kate Axeford

 

 ‘Humans have destroyed our habitats: the fightback starts now.’

This will be the battle-cry of a takeover editorial by the Gorilla Army. Weapon advertisements will proliferate. Giant Pandas will pose with AK47’s and Rhinos will pose in chef’s hats, showcasing easy recipes for Dirty Bombs. Whaling ships will discover the inefficacy of harpoon guns as Blue Whales spout plutonium – fountains of diamonds shattering the surface of tepid, algaed oceans. 

            Under the banner: ‘It’s full-scale war on the illegal wildlife trade,’ an armoured pangolin will put the true horror into horoscopes by predicting how captured poachers should be punished. Paws, claws, and beaks will press frenziedly on voting buttons to decide whether these men should be:

a)     a} Sold alive at markets for their body parts to be made into medicine/s.

b)   b}   Crammed in filthy cages and smuggled across several continents.

c)    c} Shot / snared in the wild for their skin / teeth / bones to be owned or worn as trophies.

d)    d} Retrained in conservation to provide an alternative income for their communities.

But it’ll be the centrefold, a close-up photo of the Pygmy Three-Toed Sloth, that will really  bring on the goosebumps. How sweet she’ll snore, curled up alone by that Big Red Nuclear Button. Just one more nap in the mangrove trees before her Final Act.