'Always Read the Small Print' by Hilary Ayshford

“Your offer sounds interesting, but could we just run through the details again?

“As I understand it, I let you cut out my tongue with a pair of scissors in return for a bottle of poison. If I drink it my tail will divide into a pair of legs and feet.

“Will it hurt? I have a very low pain threshold.

“What? Every step I take after that will be excruciating too? You didn't mention agony the first time round. On the other hand, I'll be able to dance with him. And I guess it is a small price to pay to get a soul and go to heaven.

“Just a couple more questions. If I can't speak, how can I tell him I love him? And how am I supposed to take my wedding vows if I can't say 'I do'?

“Yes, I suppose I could write them down and sign them. Except I can't read or write; there's not much call for it at fifty fathoms.

“And what if it all goes wrong? What if he's commitment phobic? What if I find someone I like better? I presume there's a get-out clause.

“What would I have to do to become a mermaid again?

“Seriously? I'd have to murder him and paddle in his blood? And would I get my tongue back? Oh. The tongue is non-refundable.

“Thanks, but I'm going to pass. It sounds like too much of a gamble, especially when you can't guarantee that humans have souls or that heaven exists.

“No, I don't want time to think it over. Please delete me from your list and don't call again. I'm going to block your number now. Enjoy the rest of your day.”