'To find Old Man River' by Birgit K. Gaiser

To find Old Man River, you must travel to the right time and place.

To speak to him, you must reach him in the first month of harvest season, when the sun has warmed his skin all summer and awoken him from his slumber.*

To receive his favour for your marriage, you must bring a boon worthy of his attention** and convince him of your affection for each other.

To reach him, you must set out from the summer meeting place on the longest day of the year.***

You must walk towards the place where the sun touches the mountain at sunset****, and keep walking in that direction.

You must not eat anything containing fish or nuts for at least one week before you reach him.*****

Your mind must be free of doubts, your heart free of fear, your eyes open wide so he can read your soul.******

We wish you good luck on your journey.*******



*He’s old. Like, really old. And he sleeps a lot. Bit like a reptile, but more extreme. 

**He likes gemstones. A lot.

***Summer solstice, in case it wasn’t clear.

****West, basically.

*****He can smell the fish, even after a week. I don’t know how the old bastard does it. And the nuts, yeah, really don’t. He’s badly allergic. You really don’t want to see that.

******I don’t think he really does that. But you never know.

*******And don’t forget the gemstones!