'The Wymondham 5000 Garden Shed' by Lucienne Cummings

Instructions
Tools required:

• Electric drill & 2x16mm drill bits
• Phillips screwdriver
• Tape measure
• Spirit Level
• The patience of a saint

1. Align all pieces before attempting construction. None of the holes will line up. Kicking the panels is not recommended.
2. Secure panels with the 64x50mm screws provided. Please note that you will only find 63, so you’ll need to drive to the DIY store to rectify this. Please note that these screws only come in packs of 50. Upon completing construction, you will find the missing screw in the grass, embedded in your bare foot.
3. Attach apex sections (whatever an apex is).
4. Attach the roof, using the patented B52 flanges. (May take 8-12 hours depending on wind conditions).
5. Fill the new shed with tools, tattered gloves, and spiders.

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Belton and Middleton Chronicle
15 September 2016

CHURCH LANE RESIDENTS REPORT STRANGE LIGHTS

‘We heard a roar, and a crash, and the dog wouldn’t stop barking,’ said Mr John Smith (42) of Foxglove Crescent, Belton. ‘Bev thought it was joyriders, but then we clocked the big disco ball in the sky.’

After last night’s events, Foxglove Crescent is crowded with UFO spotters, camping out on the pavement, cameras trained on the sky, hoping for more excitement…

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Mr J Hargreaves and Family
15 Foxglove Crescent
Belton
Herefordshire
UK
Earth

14/9/16

Dear Humans,
We write to apologise for annihilating your garden shed with our craft this evening. The accident was the combined result of operator error and the unexpected height of your neighbour’s flagpole. We hope you will find the attached flatpack an acceptable replacement, and that this incident will not affect future relations between our kind and yours.

With many kind regards,
The Extraterrestrials

P.S. This letter will self-destruct in 10 seconds