Monday 8 June 2020

'EXIT THROUGH THE GIFT SHOP' by Tim Warren

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

Here we see the very wall in question. Visitors are often surprised by how low it is, but people were so much shorter then. The hen that laid Humpty, on the other hand, was considerably taller compared to today's breeds.

That’s right, yes, sir, egg people have always come in small, medium or large.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

Popularised by Hadrian, freestanding outdoor walls soon sprang up all across Britain. For egg people, the writing was very much upon them (and, naturally, for the chickens that laid them too).

No, sir, the chickens laid eggs not walls.

But climbing walls was not the problem, it was the dismounting — and perhaps, too, more crucially, a curious failure to learn from the mistakes of others.

All the king's horses and all the king's men

We are talking about the king of the egg people and his men — that’s right, madam, you’re very well informed — not the king of England — a common misunderstanding, even today.

Contemporary reports suggest 160 men were sent to Humpty's aid. However, the word 'all' can be misleading: sadly, there were not nearly as many horses.

Most of the horses, understandably, collapsed en route, overburdened, and had to be put down; while a number of the men, having fallen, suffered similar fates.

The rhyme glosses over it somewhat, yes.

Couldn't put Humpty together again

By the time they reached Humpty, barely ten men were left; none survived the dismount. And while the horses showed willing, hooves, alas, proved ill-suited to the task.

These few fragments — displayed here beside Humpty's favourite eggcup, for indication of scale — are all of him — or them — that remain.

The king? Yes, went into exile, as you put it, sir.

But I fail to see the amusement.

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